


Victory Should be Naked

by SelenaTerna



Series: Random Doctor Who Ficlets [6]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Canon Divergence, Episode: s01e04 Aliens of London, Episode: s01e05 World War Three, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Humor, Romance, Semi-Crack FIc, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This is ridiculous, fair warning people, in a big way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-14 09:52:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10534035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SelenaTerna/pseuds/SelenaTerna
Summary: A slightly...different ending to Aliens of London/World-War Three.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [goingtothetardis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/goingtothetardis/gifts).



> Hello lovely people! So, this silly little bit of nonsense came about because of a conversation I was having with mountaingirlheidi this morning about Aliens of London/World War Three and the (admittedly fabulous) line "victory should be naked" and all the funny ways it could be used....and then THIS lunacy was born in my head.
> 
> This fic is 99.9% silly and I apologise for the sheer silliness you're about to encounter- Heidi, I totally blame you for this! 
> 
> Oh, and a big thanks to Heidi for looking it over for me- even though I'm about to gift her this fic, which she doesn't actually know... It's all very complicated. Many thanks and hugs, brain twin! Hope you like!
> 
> Now on with the show!

“ _Victory…should be…naked!”_ Jocrassa Fel-Fotch exalted.

“Well, if you insist, but you could at least buy me a drink first,” a familiar voice jibed from the doorway. The Slitheen turned and found the Doctor lounging indolently against the doorframe, Rose at his side.

“Where’s _my_ drink, then?” Rose asked the Doctor, one eyebrow raised. “I reckon at the rate you’re goin’, you already owe me half the whiskey in Scotland.”

The Doctor grinned wickedly. “Might need a refresher, actually- can’t quite remember.”

Rose rolled her eyes in exasperated fondness. “So much for your superior memory, then.”

“Oi! I’ll have you know I’m very impressive, me.”

“Git.”

“Excuse me, but as you have no doubt noticed, we are in the middle of something and you and the rest of the inhabitants of this miserable planet are about to be destroyed. Is this really the time for this babble?” Jocrassa demanded.

“Oh, let them play,” Blon Fel-Fotch cooed. “Let them jabber and wallow in fear. They’re all the more delicious for it in the end.”

“Oi, d’you mind?” the Doctor demanded indignantly. “We’re in the middle of something here.” He turned back to Rose. “Where was I?”

She smirked. “You were tellin’ me how impressive you are.”

Jocrassa growled. “Really, I must insist you cease this inane prattle! Your human mating rituals are intolerable!”

The Doctor turned to the large green alien behind the desk. “Look mate, I’ve been very patient with you, but you’re pushin’ your luck. If you don’t stop interruptin’ I’m going to have to take drastic measures, and believe you me, you won’t like it.”

The aliens tittered in amusement. “Is that a threat, Doctor?”

He fixed them with a hard look. “No, it’s a warning.”

“Do your worst!” Jossacra guffawed. “I look forward to seeing what unspeakable horrors you have in store for us, Doctor.”

The Doctor shook his head. “OK, you asked for it,” Whipping out the sonic, he aimed it at an mp3 player hidden in the bookshelf. Suddenly, the sound of the B-52s filled the room.

The sounds of the B-52s’ hit _Rock Lobster_ , to be precise.

“What…what is _that_?” Blon sputtered in horror. All smiles were gone now. “What is this unspeakable torture?”

“S’not torture! ‘S Rock Lobster!” Rose said, affronted.

“This drivel is _appalling_! It is entirely nonsensical and devoid of any meaning or harmony! Its lunacy is poison to our highly ordered minds!”

The Doctor shrugged. “I did warn you.”

The longer the music played, the more the aliens moaned. By the time they had reached ‘motion in the ocean,’ the Slitheen looked as though they were about to be seasick.

“Stop!” they moaned. “We surrender, we surrender! We cannot bear this toxic cacophony any longer!”

The Doctor raised his eyebrows. “An’ how do I know that as I soon as I turn it off you lot won’t go back to your little scheme?”

“Take us back to our ship, sir! Escort us yourself, only stop this excruciating agony, I beg you! Here, we surrender our weapons to your charge!”

Minutes later there was a large pile of alien weapons on the floor and the Slitheen were being put aboard their spacecraft on the roof of number 10 Downing Street.

“And remember!” the Doctor warned before closing the door behind them. “If you move against this planet again, I’ll come after you and nothing and no one will hide you from me. And just so you know-“ and here he grinned- “there’s plenty more where that came from; seven studio albums’ worth.”

He closed the door on the terrified moaning and pleas and moments later, the spacecraft was off at a ridiculous speed.

The Doctor exhaled in satisfaction. “Job well done, that. They’ll never dare show their faces here again.”

Rose shrugged. “If they do, I’ll introduce ‘em to mum’s music collection. Agadoo should scare ‘em right off.”

The Doctor grinned. “You’re cruel, you are, Rose Tyler.”

She batted her eyelids innocently. “Me?”

“Yeah,” he smirked. “ _You_.” Without warning, he swung her into his arms and made his way downstairs.

“What’re you doin’?” she protested.

The Doctor gave her a smouldering look. “He did say victory should be naked, didn’t he?”

Rose grinned. “So he did. Carry on then, Doctor.”

* * *

 

Unbeknownst to them, they had just discovered a sure fire means of stopping all manner of alien invasions which involved little or no effort on their parts. It appeared whilst some human music was revered and respected throughout the galaxy even millennia after it had been written, some (mostly ridiculous) melodies were so highly torturous to alien races that they ended the negotiations even before they began. The Martians ran in terror from Everybody Walk the Dinosaur', the Skolipans fled screaming into the night from anything written by Weird Al Jankovic (especially ‘Eat it’) and the Poluyians howled in fear of ‘Hit Me With Your Rythym Stick.’

It appeared that most alien lifeforms had no tolerance or resistance to the ridiculous- all except the Zealous Zebras of Zigamoy, that is.

But that’s another story.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! As always, feel free to drop me questions or comments on Tumblr at https://countessselena.tumblr.com/.


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